As we Travel the Worlds
by Charmkeeper
Summary: A series of one/two-shots mostly based around Kurogane and/or Fai: Fifth Chapter: "Fai stared at Syaoran. Syaoran stared back. The air was still."
1. Fai: All he was and is

**A/N:** Wow, yet another new story. Just last chapter in another one of my stories someone commented on how nice my endings always were, and that even if there was angst in the story I always resolved it.

The thing with this story is that it will be a series of one/two-shots usually being angsty all the way through, and a lot of the time leaving it off that way. This is where I will post all those ideas I get from reading the manga and listening to songs and reading just random stuff. I get a TON of ideas for this kind of thing, but they're all one-shots so sometimes it feels like it's not even worth it. So I'll be putting all such ideas and stuff in this one simple story.

In this story I will probably break all my usual rules. I will do character death (I will warn you), I will do utter fluff of death, I will do pure angst A LOT, I will do character pieces, I will do comedy, I will do anything you can think of and probably more! Also, while Sakura and Syaoran can be very good characters to write about, these will 98 percent of the time be about Kurogane, Fai, or the pairing of Kuro/Fai.

This first chapter is Fai's thoughts and expiriences with Kurogane up until right after the Tokyo Arc. Some of this is how I feel he really thinks, some of this is not what I think he thinks at all.

No matter what, I hope you read, review, and enjoy.

* * *

Truthfully, my first impression of him was that of him being an ignorant moron. Of him being a man who wasted the great magical abilities of the person who had sent him to the Witch. He was a man dressed all in black who had no idea of anything. Also his wish vexed me to no end. He wanted to go back to where he had come from? Why hadn't he just stayed there then? Why had he come here in the first place?

I supposed it was hitsuzen, inevitability, fate. I supposed that I really shouldn't blame him so much for being there, he was just an ignorant man, it wasn't like he knew that he had no choice, but to appear at the shop, like I knew I had to. I decided that I would help him along a little bit.

While I had been deciding all of this I had completely forgotten the name that he had told the Witch. Kuro...Black...he was wearing black. So I supposed that made a whole bunch of sense. I remember what I said to him exactly. "Mr. Kuro, could you please hold back on the insults?"

For this he had yelled at me, yelling for the very first time that his name was not Kuro, but Kurogane. I had gripped onto the hood that protected my head from the droplets of water now known to be rain. I had pulled the hood more over my head as if to protect myself from his words, but truly it was for a different reason. I had brought my fingers to my lips and let them trace the real smile that my lips were forced into.

I wanted to laugh. Yes, I had just been yelled at. Yes, I had just been trying to help him let this whole ordeal go smoother so that perhaps we could all get what we wanted. Yes, I had forgotten his name. Lastly, yes, I did deserve to be yelled at for the abuse of his name, but still I did not react like most people react when yelled at. I smiled.

I smiled quite a bit. King Ashura had always loved my smile so I had taught myself to hide behind that horrid grin, but this wasn't my usual smile, this was real.

What was this emotion that filled me? At the time I had spent precious moments trying to figure it out. At last, I had known that it was something called, 'joy.' This joy filled me to the brim, and made me want to turn around and throw every single thing that could possibly annoy him in his face. It was fun. I liked the sound of his voice yelling, screaming in my ears.

When we arrived in the Hanshin Republic I tried it again. I asked him his name. I asked what he'd prefer to be called, I can't remember the exact choices I gave him, but he rebuked each one of them in a great, loud yell, and I grinned again. That feeling filling me.

I watched him. I knew that this man was my opposite star. I knew that this man was the Witch's pawn, just as I was Fei's pawn. I knew that sometime in the future we would face each other and that I would have to kill him, or die trying. I knew that were natural enemies. I knew all this, and still, I couldn't help but to respect him in a way. Look at him, so confidant, so sure of what he wants, so straightforward, never lying.

I found him amazing. I found that I wished to be like him. When I realized this I slapped myself on the wrist. How dare I? How dare I think things such as that? How dare I admire him? I couldn't get close to him or anyone else, I had to distance myself from them, they didn't concern me! If I let myself become attached...my dreams, they would crumble in front of my eyes.

For a while I just let him yell, get pissed off, whatever, in Outo this was no different at first, in fact the reaction I got from the Puppy names filled me with such glee that the first night after he had chased me around the cafe I had not been able to even sleep.

Then I let myself be hit by an Oni. Kurogane had not liked that. He hadn't yelled this time, I hadn't expected him to yell, but I also hadn't expected him to scold me like a child. He spoke of how much he hated people like me. A shiver of pleasure had run up my spine at that. Hate. He hated me. He hated who I was most of all, and I liked that.

However, this was not all good. Kurogane had seen a small fraction of who I was. So, I smiled more. I teased more. I made more jokes and even went so far as to start including Syaoran and Sakura in them.

Every time he yelled I grinned. It showed me that my words still annoyed him, it showed me that I was still fooling him. It showed that I was still more clever than him. I could accomplish my mission and still have my fun with him. I could still remember everything, and yet, when I heard his voice yell at me in an angry or hateful fashion, for just a moment I would forget.

Needless to say, I was using him.

In Yama, it all changed. No longer could I tease him so. In fact, in Yama, I couldn't even open my mouth and speak, after all, I was pretending to be mute. So, for that time, the teasing stopped. All my masks, except for the constant smile, stopped.

Of course, I still watched him. That was easy, watch his actions if you can't understand his words. As I watched, I noticed something that scared me. I had never noticed it before, but there it was, bright as day. I wondered how long it had been going on...

He was watching me too.

Did he know? Was he not the ignorant being I thought him to be? Was he actually just as knowledgeable as I was?

In my heart I begged and begged and begged for him to stop watching me. I wished and wished for him to look away. For I knew that when he looked at me, he was no longer looking at the grinning idiot that I pretended to be. I did not know how deep he was looking, but it was deeper than I wanted him to see. I hoped Mokona would be near enough soon that we could speak. I didn't want to deal with a confrontation.

At last the children and Mokona came. For once I let Kurogane have his fun when he asked to test Syaoran, I don't even know why I went along with it. Perhaps it was because I couldn't really speak, or perhaps because I'd get to hear his voice more if I did. Whatever the reason, he had his fun and then it all came to an end. I could speak again and we kept on our journey.

For a little while I was wary of him. Teasing him even more than I ever had. Coming up with new jokes that once made him stick up his middle finger at me...I told him that he didn't really want to fuck me for that might give me pleasure. That drove him off from doing anything like that again. Although he did keep getting upset at me. I doubted anything would prevent him from doing that.

For a very little while I was safe. Then I realized how much he'd seen in Yama. I said something about Sakura and Syaoran's changes in Piffle and Kurogane retorted, saying that if I believed what I had said, then I had changed too. This scared me almost as much as his watching me did. Not even I had noticed the small changes in myself, he was watching me close enough to know things I didn't!

I didn't stop. I kept on joking, waiting for his yells and screams and when I heard them, I relished in them, they were better than anything to me. They were my drug, my fix. They made me like life, they made me shiver with pleasure, and make me want to live for the next few hours on the chance that I would hear him yell at me again.

I loved it, and through it, I loved him. Although at the time I did not realize that my love extended past the voice and reached the being who the voice belonged to. I didn't realize this extended love until after my eye was gone, and with it that extended love.

It changed again. In Tokyo. I spoke to him while I cared for Syaoran and Sakura. I had come to realize that I did care for those two. They were okay. I could care about them, they were important to what was needed for my dreams, even if I was not supposed to be involved with them. I would never have to kill them in order to preserve my dreams.

"Um...If you don't say anything, then it'll be like I'm talking to myself!" I waved my hand in front of his face. I hadn't even really teased him. I had only asked if I was keeping him from sleeping. Yet he hadn't spoken, and that bothered me. I hadn't heard his addicting voice.

He spoke, but not in a yell. Still, it was enough. It was enough for me to stay still, listen to his words, and realize he'd seen even deeper. I hid it all behind a few simple words and a joke, "You've got a really great memory! Just what I would expect from you, Daddy!" I clapped my hands and laughed, I waited for him to yell, and he didn't.

I got scared, "Oh forget it, I'm fine now. C'mon. Say something mean." In a way, he obeyed my words and did say something I took to be mean or cruel, and it did make me shiver, smile, and laugh, but it did not fill me with that joy of knowing that this was fun. It was anything but fun.

Not twenty-four hours after that conversation I lost my eye to the clone that we had been traveling with. The pain was immense, so much so that I wanted it to end badly. I wanted to just die. I could just die, and I knew that if I died now that my magic would die as well, and that was a good thing! If I was gone I would never see my dreams fulfilled, but it was still very possible that they would be fulfilled, even if I was no longer there.

When I asked to die, Kurogane said no. He yelled and screamed, and told me no. I no longer loved that voice. I hated it. I wanted to lift my hands up to my ears and try to block out the sound that seemed worse than nails on a chalkboard. What was different? Why was his yelling then and before different? Why did his yelling at me to save my life make me cringe while the annoyed yells at my jokes make me feel alive?

"If you want to die so badly, I'll kill you myself. Until then, live." Those words made me see. I hated that tone because he cared. He cared. The voice that made me shiver was the voice that hated me, the voice I loved so deeply was the voice that wanted me to go die alone in a pit. This new voice was different. This new voice of his said that he didn't hate me, this new voice said that he wanted to stay by me.

I didn't want him to care. I wanted him to hate me. I could only love him if he hated me. If he loved me...then I had to hate him. And so, as I woke up a vampire, I did hate him, him and his caring voice.

"Morning, Kurogane." It was a low blow to call him by his name after all this time, but I had to work hard. I had to work hard to make him hate me again. That was the only way I could love him while I was still Fei's pawn.

What a cruel life Fate gave to me, to only be able to love someone if that person hated me in return. How horrible it must feel to some people to even imagine that, to never be able to have a mutual love. I don't care. I don't need him to love me. I don't want him to love me. I didn't need hugs, kisses, sex, soft words, or nights in front of a warm fireplace. I don't need that. All I need from him is that voice, that tone that showed saturated hate for me in every syllable.

That's all I will ever need from him.


	2. Kurogane: All he was and is

A/N: This chapter is basically the response chapter to the first chapter. First we had Fai's impression of Kurogane and now we have Kurogane's impression of Fai. I hope you'll notice that some events that are highlighted for Fai, weren't for Kurogane, and vise-versa.

I'm taking requests for the genre of the next chapter. We can have fluff, angst, comedy, general, I have stories planned out for each of those. So if you have a preference, tell me.

Read, review, enjoy.

* * *

I had a very slight first impression of the Mage. The only thought that flitted across my mind was that he was a demon of some sort. His hair, it was so bright that until I saw the two kids, I was sure that he was some sort of an oni.

It didn't much matter really, I was angry, pissed, upset, betrayed. All I wanted was to go back to Nihon. I just wanted to go back to Tomoyo and yell at her for sending me away. The blond, the kid, and the princess meant nothing to me really. Until we stated our wishes.

Fai and I were complete opposites. He didn't want to go home and I did. All by itself I found that extremely strange, this combined with the blond hair, and the strange and completely inappriopiret name he called me a few minutes after...well, it made me extremely wary of him.

In the very beginning of our trip I would watch him when he thought I wasn't looking. He smiled constantly, like a fool, but I quickly figured out that he was really anything but a fool. The way he spoke, laughed, joked, and made off like everything was a game were all the real game to him. I wasn't extactly sure what the rules or conditions of his game were, but he was not the fool he made himself out to be.

In reality he was very wise, knowledgable, understanding, and serious. I couldn't see enough of him to know what was underneath that stupid smile, but I knew that there was something...tears, anger, lonliness, I wasn't sure.

I didn't think that I would learn terribly much by watching him, so after Hanshin I stopped. We were forced together quite often and I would talk to him, yell at him for his stupid jokes, get angry at his lack of caring, and I would listen carefully to the words he said. He often made it seem like he had little or nothing to say that was specific to anything. His words were very carefully chosen, as if he lay in bed at night thinking over every question that might be asked and rehersed in his mind exactly what he would say in return to each of those questions. Jokes were a constant mask that he hid himself behind, trying to fool everyone around him, and for the most part, it worked.

In Koryo I caught my first glimse at his real self for just a split second. "Personally, I dislike staying in one place."

"Why's that?" This question had caught the Mage off guard, I could tell because he gave me the most serious response he'd given me yet. It wasn't a lie, it was straight truth, he had never expected this to come up, and in the position we'd been in at the time, he didn't have the time to come up with one single lie to cover himself, so he told me about the sleeping man who would come after him if he stayed in one place for too long.

After that, his annoyances started to become less and less, and although I didn't mean to, I watched him more and more. This wasn't to say that he never annoyed me, when we got to Outo and he came up with those Puppy names, that drove me through the roof. It was such an insult to my pride, and the fact that he didn't care at all! And his attitude, what annoyed me now was not so much his jokes anymore, but his lack of respect, especially for himself.

I hadn't noticed his lack of respect for himself until he hurt his legs by allowing himself to be hit by an oni. It angered me. I literally felt the anger rise up in me, and it wasn't the normal anger I felt toward him. This anger was familiar, but I had never felt it toward anyone I hadn't spent years with before. It was that kind of anger I would feel when Father wouldn't let me go with him to protect Mother and Suwa. It was the kind of anger I felt when other ninja's let an enemy too close to Princess Tomoyo. It was that anger that came up when I hadn't protected a precious person properly.

The blond? A precious person? I didn't understand why I felt this way to him, but he was precious to me, and I had failed to protect him properly. It made me angry, so I took all this out on him, lecturing him and telling him what I thought of people who lost hope before it was gone.

He laughed, "That means I'm that type of person you hate the most!" He seemed happy about it, but he misunderstood. I didn't hate him. I hated his actions, the way he looked at life. I wanted him to see all hope wasn't gone, I wanted him to see that someone, perhaps me, could help him.

We continued through Outo until Seishiro started all his problems. We came home to find that he had 'killed' Fai. At the time I had not known that the world wasn't real, so I had no idea that Fai hadn't really died.

I had kept my cool, letting Syaoran go do what he said needed to. Once Syaoran had been out the door, I had slammed my fist into a table, breaking it. That feeling of not protecting him, and a feeling of sorrow filled me.

Needless to say I had been very pleased to learn that he was okay, even if I hadn't shown it.

I noticed and picked at little things in the next couple of worlds, the most memorable of these being the name of Ashura, and how it had made Fai's face go more pale than it already was. I had thought that Fai was as white as paper before, now I knew that this was most certainly not the case, it could be whiter.

When we arrived in Yama, Fai and I had not been able to comunicate. Obviously this was a problem, but little by little as we were taken to the camp, I figured out that Fai meant to seem mute, unable to talk. I had thought him not able to do it, but day by day he never spoke a word or made a sound.

Being silent brought out a little bit more of the real him. He still grinned and made expressions that were supposed to be laughs, but since he couldn't talk, all of his other facades faded away. I watched him again. It was like watching a baby. Fai tried to walk on his own. Fai tried to walk, fell, crawled. He would crawl on his own in the dark reaching blindly for someone, anyone who would not laugh at his state of being and help him learn to walk.

As I watched I found myself desperately wanting to take his hands, pull him to his feet, and be that someone to teach him to put one foot in front of the other.

After we left Yama, the Mage went right back to his jokes and names, obviously trying to make up for all the time that he had missed out on. It was too late though, even if I did still get annoyed and yell at him, I'd seen too much, too much for him to completely avoid me any longer.

More and more I would catch him on this and that and more and more I would see his real face. That face that held no smile. The face of the man that tried and failed to walk on his own.

The longer we traveled together the more I saw of him, the more protective I became of him, but it was no longer just that protection of someone precious, it was somehow more. I no longer just wanted to help him walk, or to see him respect himself, or to keep him unharmed, I wanted to somehow...be precious to him too. I didn't want these feelings to be one-sided. I wanted him to willingly come to me and say, 'Help me.' or 'Stay by my side.'

So I decided that if this were to ever happen, I wanted to see it, so I would wait for him.

In Recourt, he confused me. All through the world it was fine until the very end when he whistled for real. From that whistle had come magic that had allowed us exit. That in and of itself confused me. Through our journey Fai had refused to use magic. It had been his own little taboo. Something he had kept to himself, like his real self, or his past. Why had he chosen to involve his precious magic in our lives now?

At first I thought it was merely him trying to walk on his own, but an answer to a question threw this off. "But magic is magic, isn't it?"

"Maybe." This was a calculated answer, something he expected me to ask. Something he knew would come from my, or Syaoran's lips. I knew that if it had been just his failing attempt to walk by himself that he would have come up with some elaborate answer, just like he always did. Or at the very least he would have said something like, 'I don't know.' A one word answer was something that Fai rarely did unless it was yes or no.

So I was stumped as to why he had used magic. It was just so very unlike him to do. To go against what he said to risk his masks by doing something he normally wouldn't. It bothered me, and so I kept on thinking about it.

As I sat in Tokyo watching him take care of the kids I figured it out, and almost immeadiately I called on it. He had listened to me, laughed and clapped, saying what a good 'Daddy' I was. This annoyed me. I wanted to hear him call me by name. I didn't even bother me anymore when he called me something idiotic when I wasn't talking about something serious, but this was serious! He'd used his magic god damnnit! It was something completely serious yet he couldn't even call me by my real name when we spoke of serious matters!

He could either be serious and play around or be that joking idiot! But now he was trying to play both, it had to stop! I could understand if something in his past had made him unsure of who he was and what he could be, but he had to choose! So I told him so. I told him so and then I left him to figure it out.

At first I thought he had decided to continue being that grinning idiot, but then it became appearent my reasoning was wrong. He went to help the kids and told me to protect the person who was in the most danger. He and the kid came back and they went down into that basement, to Fai's complete destruction. When I saw his face as that kid dragged him along eating his eye that feeling that I had to protect this precious person came over me again and I did.

Once I got a hold of that Mage I didn't let go. I carried him around like a doll in my arms until the crisis was over and then I set him down on the bed and listened. I heard. I grew angry. He wanted to die. How could he? Drag me...drag those kids along all that time, make us like him, make us care for him and then just leave us like that. How could he? How dare he?

I remember my fist crushing a portion of the wall. I remember grabbing him and threatning to punch him. All he could say was that he was fucking sorry. If he was really fucking sorry he'd live! Or at least try to live! Had my words to him in Outo mean nothing to him?! Did he want me to hate him because of his devil may care attitude?!

I demanded that the witch somehow save him. She told me it was possible but the price was much to high for me to pay. I had never hated the price for wishes more than I had at that very moment those words left her lips. Not even when I had been forced to give up Ginryu did I hate it as much as I did then.

A spot of hope, I listened, soaked in everyword, relished in them. Every word was a second closer to saving his life. My mind internally cringed when I heard the price it was. To turn him into a vampire. To turn him into what I had originally thought him to be, an oni. I had to turn him into an oni to save him. For a moment my will had wavered. I didn't want to force such a fate as being damnned on him, but there was a loophole. If we could get his eye back he would be okay.

At that moment I told myself that no matter what else happened I would stay by his side, more loyal to him than I had ever been to Tomoyo, until I got his eye back to him. Tomoyo was my true master. She knew my real name, but Fai, Fai had something even more dear I now realized. Fai had my heart craddled between his hands. His face looking down at it and threatning to crush it with every second that he got closer to death.

I couldn't let him die. I would be that hand that would take him, teach him to walk. I would be the one to guide him from the darkness. I would be the one to push him farther into that darkness, but only until I could make sure that the light was suitable for him. Then I would give him the sunlight that he secretly longed for.

As the drops of Kamui's blood dripped from his wrist, onto mine, and into Fai's mouth I apologized in my mind over and over again for doing this to him. I didn't want to torture him so, but even less did I want to watch him, the person I loved, slip from my fingers like droplets of water in a desert.

He screamed. That sound...I could barely stand it. "Hold him down." I immeadiately obeyed. "His body structure is changing, of course it hurts." I felt him claw and grab at me, seeking out someone, anyone who could possibly ease the pain. I knew there was no one who could ease that pain at the moment, I wished I could take it on for myself, anything to stop his screaming. Anything.

He grabbed, clawed, gripped, and climbed on me until his fingers literally bled on my shirt, then suddenly, he slipped down onto the bed. He lifted himself up on his hands, looked at me through pain filled, yellow, and confused eyes. He held this gaze for a moment and then collasped on his side in a sleep that I hoped wouldn't last too long.

When he sat up my heartbeat went up high, but then sunk at the words he spoke to me, "Morning, Kurogane." I admit to wanting him to say my name, it had almost become a dream of mine, but I didn't like it. Those words, they were said in the most warm and friendly fashion, but there was such hate and ice behind them.

I stared at him for a moment. "Don't move." I had to force myself to say that. I wanted to throw myself onto him. I wanted to press him to the bed, kiss his lips passionately and then beg for his forgivness. I wanted to tell him of my plan. I wanted to say, 'Don't hate me. Please. Love me. I'll make you better. Love me. Trust me.'

I didn't say this, I forced myself to tell him to not move. I forced myself to throw a cloak on him so I couldn't see his face and then head out of the room so that I wouldn't do what my body and mind wanted to.

I watch him now. I still want to run up to him, I still want to wrap my arms around him and say, 'You're not alone. I love you. Let me guide you to the light I can see.' I still refuse myself my wish. He hates me, I can't do that. It would hurt much more to hear his words of refusal and hate than it would hurt to never touch his milky smooth skin.

I will wait for the Mage to come to me.


	3. Shadows and Scotch

A/N: I just realized, a lot of the things I'll be putting in this story could have gone in Reflections or probably would have been in Reflections if I had taken the plot in a slightly different direction...this chapter being the first of those chapters...

Also, I don't know when the next post in this story will be. I have several chapters for this started, but when I sit down to type in them I don't like what I see. Luckily these are oneshots so you're not left at a pure evil cliffhanger.

Read, review, enjoy.

* * *

"He hates me, doesn't he?" Fai asked, his single sapphire eye looking up to the ceiling. The blond was in a large, windowless room filled with plants that apparently didn't need light to live. In one corner there seemed to be the shadow of a figure laying on a couch a pad of paper and a pen in his hands. "He really hates me." Fai swirled the half-empty glass of scotch in his hand and then brought it to his lips, drinking the substance as if it were lemonade rather than the potent stuff it was.

"What? Who hates you?" The voice was familiar, soft, almost like Kamui's or Subaru's, but it held a note that rung in your ears much like Fai's voice had when he had been the smiling idiot he had once been.

"Kurogane." Fai sighed, bringing the glass down from his lips once more. "He hates me so much. So much he makes me live." Fai wasn't drunk. Fai didn't get drunk. Outo be damned, in the real world Fai couldn't get drunk if he drank all the liquor in a liquor store. "May I have more of this?"

But that didn't mean he wouldn't try.

"Go ahead." As the vampire got up and poured more of the amber substance into his glass the person in the corner continued to speak. "Fai-san. You've been coming here for a couple weeks now, but you barely talk about anything. Why? Don't you want me to help you?"

Fai shook his head as he sat down again. "No. No one can help me. Kurogane makes me come here... 'If you won't talk to me, maybe you'll talk to him. He's like you.' I won't talk to anyone about the things Kurogane wants me to talk about." Fai continued to drink, Kurogane didn't understand, Fai couldn't talk about the things that the ninja wanted him to. No one would understand, and besides that, if he said anything, he'd lose control of the very carefully calculated emotions he had.

"Now there's that name again, out of all the times you've been here, only one of them hasn't been about him, and that time that you didn't mention that name, it was about a girl named Sakura."

Fai nodded to the shadowed man's words as he sipped from the cup. "I know. I can talk about them. I can talk about Kurogane and his hate for me and I can talk about Sakura-chan and her current confusion."

"But you can't talk about yourself?"

"No."

"Why?" The question held a musical note behind it, but sounded truly concerned and the figure in the corner leaned forward in its seat.

There was a long silence as Fai re-emptied his glass of scotch, and mulled over his answer. By now the man had learned, Fai Flourite was a troubled person, perhaps even insane, but not dumb, Fai was anything but dumb. Because of his lack of stupidity Fai wouldn't say anything that would give an ounce of information that he could understand. So he waited for that carefully calculated answer. "Because it doesn't involve me." Fai said at last. "Hitsuzen. Fate, I'm not needed."

The blue eyes closed and the crystal glass was put down in Fai's lap before fingers intertwined and Fai sat there, as if asleep.

"So you're saying you're unimportant to the people you talk about? That they don't care?"

"I didn't say that. I said I'm not needed. Figure it out for yourself."

The man couldn't. Fai was an expert at withholding information, or if he divulged information it could always be taken several different ways. One could say Fai's words meant that he was literally unneeded, that if he just died in that spot right now, it wouldn't make a difference. One could also infer that he was thinking of the supposed hate that these people held for him. People often misinterpreted hate as not wanting or not needed to go on. Or even a third option Fai might mean that he thought he was invisible, and thus didn't affect the people around him.

In the end the man sighed, shook his head, and gave in. "All right Fai-san. What story do you want to tell me today?"

Fai shook his head, once more getting up for more of the scotch. He'd been there for almost an hour already and Fai had gone through his only bottle of vodka and was almost done with his first bottle of scotch. The man in the corner had to wonder about the blond. He looked no older than twenty-five at the very most and already he had such a resistance to alcohol that he could drink through his entire supply and not get drunk. Of course, _Kurogane_ had told the man that Fai was like him, a vampire who had been turned on the brink of death. "Do you not want to talk about anything? I'm willing to listen to you, I won't laugh."

"I don't really feel like it, but you get paid by listening to me speak so I'll talk."

The man sighed, "Just not about what I want you to talk about."

"Yeah." Fai's simple reply was accompanied by a shrug as he drained the glass quickly this time.

"Why don't you just take the bottle with you?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Fai chuckled and leaned forward in his seat. "I guess I'll talk about Kurogane again today." The blond vampire sighed.

The shadowed vampire sighed as well. "On the topic of his supposed hate for you?"

"Yes." The blue eye drifted to the ceiling again. "It's been on my mind lately. From the very second I met him I meant for him to hate me. I teased, laughed, joked. I did everything in my power to make him hate me. I thought that was what I wanted. After all, if he hated me, he wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't get hurt. We'd be close, but worlds apart. Our bodies would be physically close together, because that was how it had to be, but our souls worlds apart because that was also how it had to be."

As Fai spoke he set the glass down on one knee and used his hands to get the extremity of his words across. The gestures no longer the exaggerated, ridiculous motions they'd once been, but fluid movements that gave a new light to his words, showing off the emotion behind them.

The man made a note on his page. They said the more a person used their hands when they spoke, the more intelligent they were. Fai almost constantly used his hands to speak, thus even if Fai was insane, his mind was fresh and good. "I realized almost a year ago now that not only was my body close to him, but my mind and soul as well. I thought I was okay with that, that as long as I knew we could never be mutually close. But..." The magician's voice faltered for a second before picking up again. "When I lost my eye and he went out of his way to keep me alive, even though I didn't want it. The magnitude of his hate hit me and it hurt. Far more than I thought it would hurt."

"I don't want him to hate me, but he does..." Fai ran his fingers through the golden locks of his hair and sighed. "I don't have much more to say than that..."

The man in the corner made a few notes on his paper and nodded. "Have you ever thought that it's not hate that made him keep you alive? Perhaps it's out of his caring?"

"If I thought that it would just be a foolish and selfish dream. It's spite. Hate. I can see it in his eyes."

"And nothing I say will change your mind?"

"Nothing."

The man sighed. "I see...well. Take the bottle and go. I'll see you next week Mr. Flourite."

As Fai stood to his feet, the man was sure that he saw a smile on Fai's face. "Thank you for listening to my pointless ramblings. Even if you are paid to do it." Fai picked up the bottle of scotch, swirling its contents around. "I'll send the next person in."

"Don't bother. You were the last."

"All right." Fai's black clad figure walked to the door, opened it, allowing a flood of light to enter the room as he left.

For almost an hour the man sat in that corner until at last the door opened and another person came in. "He got home safely?"

"I wouldn't call it safe." Kurogane said as he came over and handed the man his payment. "But he got home, bitched at me, drank a lot, and fell asleep. He'll probably wake up in an hour or so, and get ready for tonight's 'outing.'" Kurogane meant the chess match\but didn't say that out-loud. After all, it was a frowned upon event.

"He drank more alcohol? That can't be good for Fai."

"No." The ninja absentmindedly rubbed his wrist. "He didn't drink alcohol when he got home. He drank something completely different."

"Ahhh." The man's eyes flashed yellow, showing off the first color on him for a split second, as he looked at Kurogane's wrist. "Well, that's good. He sure does drink a lot though, whether it be alcohol or...other things." The doctor ripped the page of notes from his clipboard and handed it to Kurogane. "Today's session was mostly silent, but at the end he spoke of how much you hate him."

"I see." Kurogane took the page. "So he thinks I hate him..."

"I tried to say you didn't, but he wouldn't take that. He talks about you a lot. He must really like you."

Kurogane shrugged, folding the paper into fourths and placing it in his pocket. "Maybe. I just wish he'd crack, or talk, or cry. He keeps so much inside, I no longer know what to do with him. I'll see you next week." Just like Fai had done earlier, Kurogane walked to the door and walked out.

The room was silent.


	4. Child nor Adult

A/N: I finally got another chapter up in this one. It's a oneshot about Fai's youth. I mean youth youth, like not even a year after he got out of that horrible place. I'm hoping to do one or two more chapters like this, about Fai's time in Celes, because while we see a couple of scenes from that time, Fai spent years and years there, he must have a lot of stories.

This chapter falls under the catagory of: **Hurt/Comfort**

Read, review, enjoy.

* * *

I remember long ago when Ashura first took me and Fai from our home world. He was very kind to me, offering me everything we needed and more. His touch was comforting and his words were distracting. Although he could not make me forget everything that had happened in that place where time flowed differently and magic did not work, he made me feel like one day it might all be okay.

For about two months I was not aware that there were other people in Celes. Subconciously I knew that there had to be other people, but I never saw anyone. About three times a day Ashura would come in and hand me food, drink, and a few things to keep myself entertained. Then he would lean down and kiss the top of my head before he would leave again.

To this there were a few exceptions, every couple of days he would stay for an hour or so in the morning and hold me in his lap, his fingers gently caressing my hair, telling me of all the things that would happen in the future. Once he came in with a measuring tape and spent a half hour taking my measurements. A few days after that he came in with clothes that were too big on me. He told me I would grow into them quickly. At yet another time he cut my hair, and we took a walk, to visit Fai's grave.

I cannot call this a happy time. Nothing was ever happy for me during my early years in Celes. It was all relief and grief mixed together in some jumbled emotion that I cannot properly describe. It wasn't a truly bad feeling, but it wasn't truly good either. As a result my face remained eternally stoic.

That facial expression didn't change even after Ashura decided I could be seen among other people. For those two months he had been protecting me, watching my body recover from that time in the below. This time allowed my face to fill out into a healthy form, and allowed my now short hair to regain a lot of the luster it should naturally have. It had taken two months for me to change from the hollow and starving child, into a healthy and 'cute' pupil.

On the day that he deemed me healthy enough to go out he gave me my staff. It was beautiful, but it was also three times taller than me and too much for me to carry in my current condition. Ashura told me to try carrying it around my room every day to get the feel of it.

From that day forward I was put into a daily routine that would change little by little over time. Every morning Ashura would knock on my door and listen to my small noise of acknowledgement before he would enter the room and stroke my hair for five minutes until I completely woke up from the previous night's nightmares. Then I would get out of bed and we would go down to breakfast where he always tried to get me to eat two more bites. Then he would walk down with me to the library and I would be left to self-study.

If I ever needed help I was given permission take my book, go up to the throne room, and disrupt anything he was doing and ask for his help. I rarely did this, just as Ashura often told me, my magic was the real thing and everything but healing magic came easily to my fingertips. In fact the only time I do remember going up was when I first realized that I couldn't remember how to do a healing spell that I had just read. When his assistance didn't help me, I never tried again.

In the beginning most of the people in the castle either ignored me, or would every so often pause at the library door to look at me. Unlike in Valeria where they would have hated me or feared me they were merely curious, so I let them gaze.

About six months after I started my self-study someone did more than stare. It was both the first time and the last time anyone ever complained about how Ashura was treating me.

It wasn't so much an argument between the king and the servant than it was the servant complaining and Ashura sitting back in his chair, a look of amusement on his face as he idly stroked my hair. "Your majesty, he's but a child, and yet you leave him in that room all day long. It isn't fair. He should be running around with other children, yet you lock him up as if he were a man over twice his age!"

At this Ashura had only chortled. His fingers never stopping their eternal touches. "But he's not a child. You only see the size of his body and take him to be young. I assure you, I do not lock him up, he does everything of his own free will. Don't you Fai?"I had truthfully nodded, he did not force me to do anything. He never had. "If he wanted to play, he would play, what he needs comes naturally to him. I only nudge him in the right direction."

"Your majesty, he's a child..."

"He's not."

"Please, I beg of you, let him come home with me. I have two young children. Let me show you how happy he could be if he were living the life someone his age is supposed to live."

Ashura's gaze met mine. At once I knew what my king was asking me. He was asking me the simple question of whether or not I wanted to go home with this man overnight.

I had stared into my king's eyes for a long time before I nodded again. For this man's peace of mind I would go with him. I would show him in as kind a way as I could that I was not what he thought I was. "I will go."

It was decided that the man would pick me up early in the morning and take me to his home. During that day I would stay, play with his kids, be introduced to a normal life. Later on in the day he would come back, the family and I would eat supper and then as the sun set we would go to bed. The next morning I would be taken back to the castle and I would tell Ashura what I thought about this.

That day Ashura came and woke me up early. I dressed, grabbed my bad full of books to study from, ate breakfast, and went to wait for the man to take me.

I can't say it wasn't nice. The mother was warm and loving. The children were happy and loud. The food was simple, but you could taste the emotion put behind it. It was wonderful, to watch. I couldn't bring myself to actually participate.

No matter how many times the children asked me to put down my books and play with spinning tops or any of the other toys they had I couldn't say yes. I would say that I wasn't interested and then I would watch them smile and laugh over the top of my book. No matter how many times the mother would ask me if I wanted a blanket or something to eat, I would just shake my head and say that it was all right.

As the day went on the mother had started to look out from the kitchen to watch me. I couldn't see her face, but I could feel her concerned gaze burn into the back of my head as I read spells.

When the man came home from work the family ate dinner. I ate too, but only enough to satisfy the mother. It wasn't like with Ashura where he would urge me to eat more because he knew I needed to eat or my body would go back into the state of starvation. It was different. The first time I said I was done she had looked at my plate and then asked if my stomach hurt, or if the food wasn't to my liking. I had quickly shaken my head and forced myself to eat more, I didn't want to worry her.

After dinner the man and the mother stayed in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes. I could hear them murmur and talk. Every once in a while I could hear them speak my name. "...Fai..." It unnerved me. This perfect little family was strange enough to speak my 'name' in a tone of voice that indicated that they were concerned. They shouldn't be concerned about me. They should be concerned about their own family. The perfect little window that I could only watch through and wish that Fai and I could have had this.

Almost an hour passed before the whispering stopped and the man came back out. "Fai-sama?" He had placed his hand on top of the book and pushed it down so that he could see my face. "Do you want to go back to the castle?"

I had shaken my head, "I don't want to be a bother."

"It's no problem Fai-sama. I realize now that I was a fool. Ashura is right. Something in you is not normal. You're not a child. You don't want to be here, do you?"

A small sound had escaped my lips as I felt my heart ache. I had turned my head to the ground and closed my eyes. "It's not you...This...is not a bad thing. Your family."

"Then what is it?"

"It...has nothing to do with you. It is mine. Mine alone." Although I had not looked up, I knew the man had smiled at me. I knew he pitied me, even though he knew nothing. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Come on, gather your things, we're in the castle area. It's not far. I'll take you back."

"Did I displease you?"

"No, Fai-sama. We displeased you. Come on."

He indeed did take me back to the castle. He guided me right up to my room, even though it was quickly getting dark and Celes was not always safe at night. "Good-bye, Fai-sama. I hope you find your place." He had placed his hand on my head in a very father-like way and ruffled my hair before he had turned and left me in my room.

I had stood very still, staring at the empty doorway. For minute after minute I had stared at it until at last I looked down at the books I still carried. They belonged in the library. I didn't want to just leave them in my room to possibly get lost. I had started out of my room and down to the library.

About halfway there the emotional impact of seeing a normal family and a normal life sunk in. I had tripped over my own feet and I didn't get up. The books lay scattered across the hallway. I took in a deep breath. My entire body had that deep feeling that I wanted to cry, but no tears could come. Not even a sob could I muster. So I just lay there, wallowing in this feeling of jealousy, regret, sorrow, and want.

After who knew how long of my laying there hands had gripped me by my waist and picked me up. "I thought I felt your presence. So he brought you home early?"

It had been King Ashura. In answer to his question I had weakly gripped to his cloak and nodded into his chest. "I see. Let's go, Fai." He had just left those books there as if they held nothing of importance in them and carried me back to his own chambers.

He lay down on his bed with me and just held me. He didn't say anything until he was sure that I was okay. "I'm sorry Fai. I have been a fool."

"Why are you sorry? Why are you a fool?"

"Because I was wrong. You're still a child. I was a fool to think that you had become an adult. I was a fool to think that you could just study and not have a parent's love. You need more than I have been giving you. I will try harder."

"Your majesty, you have done everything for me. There is nothing more I can possibly ask of you. You were not wrong. I am not a child. I cannot play, I cannot eat a person's cooking with grins and smiles. I can't do anything a child does."

"But you're still not an adult. You still need someone to take care of you. You still need that reassurance that you are loved. You are loved, Fai. I love you, and soon, this entire country will love you. Fai D. Flourite of Celes Country. Your magic and care will touch their hearts and they will love you, just as much as I love you."

For a time his words comforted me. I still felt the regret and want, but it was softer in my chest, it was slowly lowering its head to wait until another time when it would rear up and cause another collapse. I thought over his words again and again, allowing them to sink in.

After a time a question had arisen in my mind, "Ashura-ou?"

"Yes Fai?"

"If I am not a child, and I am not an adult, what am I?"

Carefully Ashura had mulled the answer over. "You are in-between. You are in a place that few people see. A place where you can see both sides, but not truly have one or the other. You're confused. You are young in body, but old in mind. You do not know where you belong."

Even now I find his words to be absolutely true. Even though my body had matured, my attitude has become juvenile. Even now I look out to both childhood and adulthood and wonder where I belong. I have knowledge and memories that an adult would have, but I want to play and be loved and held like a child.

I am stuck in the middle of these two. Perhaps it has been that way since I was brought from that valley.


	5. Magically

A/N: I was sick. This is all I have. Drabble, 100 words. BAD (slightly morbid) joke. Hope you all like it. I hope this makes chapter 211 seem possibly a little brighter, even though this could now, NEVER happen. Sorry. Enjoy.

* * *

The room was empty except for two people who were standing one in front of the other. Fai stared at Syaoran. Syaoran stared back. The air was still. There was a very long period of silence before the blond man finally broke the silence.

"Well, I know the basic reason why you ate my eye, but are there any underlying reasons?"

After another almost awkward moment of silence Syaoran seemed to consider this for a moment and then opened his mouth and said in a very plain tone of voice, "It was magically delicious."


End file.
